BITS & PIECES

BITS & PIECES, (Frazer Chronicles)

My favorite day of the week.....wee, Saturday and Bits & Pieces, a chance for your editor & chief to really expand the horizons of journalism and in the process make my loyal readers think a bit outside the box. One side note, there was no blog yesterday do to the fact that there was some sort of national break-down, but were back today,  so without further or do, lets get started. 

BIN LADEN, A DIRTY MINDED TERRORIST, (Frazer Chronicles)

My sources confirm, what I felt all along and with  a sizable stash of pornographic movies found in the terrorist's compound, finally your editor & chief is vindicated, Osama bin Laden was just like millions of other men around the world, sexually frustrated, even with his 21 wives, he still needed warmth, comfort and understanding. The man was simply frustrated, craving understanding and a sympathetic.....shoulder to cry on. With the right women, a war could have been averted and thousands of people would still be alive today.

I have received a partial list of the most entertaining movies that were some of the terrorists favorite, they are as follows with a brief description:

Rebel Without a Condom,

"James Dean like you've never seen him before."

Sexbusters,

"I ain't afraid of no sex."

American Booty,

"Everybody has sex with everybody."

Missionary Position Impossible,

"It feels so good.....if you decide to except it."

Sluts and the City,

"A new twist on an old series, with an amusing end."

THIS MAN KNOWS HOW TO ENTERTAIN,  (San Diego Union-Tribune)

Jesus Gandara decided to "break bread" with some of his co-workers, the Sweetwater Union High School District Superintendent knew exactly how to his message across, impress people, get feed-back, to accomplish a board mandate and entertain all at the same time and do so at taxpayers expense.  

You might say, "what a guy," but wait, there's more, Gandara was not only following the school boards directive of  "doing more in the community with his outreach dinners," he was making himself available at board members convenience, like after their working hours in  the evening, or Saturdays.

Most common meal partners for Gandara were members of the school board, 238 of 366 meals that totaled $12,560 on a Sweetwater School District credit card. One board trustee dined with Jesus Gandara 92 different time, could anything other then school business have been going on, we here at Chronicle headquarters will not comment, but we might speculate.

A watchdog group discovered what they considered "gorging at the taxpayers trough" and confronted Mr. Gandara this past March. He turned in his credit card and discontinued his "outreaching" dinners, refusing any comment.

FISH FLAP, (Toledo Chronicle-Telegram)

Thousands of fish are washing up on the beaches near Toledo, Ohio and wildlife researchers are stumped as to what might be causing the carnage. The fish, Walleye, are dead or dying and causing quite a stink to locals and beach walkers. Trust me, hundreds of fish, either dead or flopping around on a beach really gives off an odor that will open up your sinuses like nothing else.

The weather is a possible cause, as one Ohio state biologist stated, given the fact that the spring has been unusually cold. Another reason cited might be connected with the Walleye's psyche, feeling  the strain of  spawning all those fish eggs, I know I wouldn't feel very good after I dumped a thousand or so eggs.

The stress factor might be the most logical reason for the unusual deaths, D.N.R. officials said and they saw no problems with the coming summer sport fishing season. We here at Chronicle headquarters however do see a problem if the fish on the beaches aren't removed soon, Lake Erie smells bad enough without thousands of dead bodies on their beaches. We also have a suggestion for the Ohio D.N.R. "give your Walleye some Valium."

CASH AND GO, (Cleveland Plain Dealer)

Elyria residence are at it again, this suburb some 20 miles west of Cleveland has some of the nicest people that you would ever want to meet, I know, I've been there. However a 64 year old man took being friendly a step further and I for one want to me this guy.

The man had received a disability check for more then $20,000 on May 4th. and was celebrating at a local watering hole, buying a few rounds and doing all the silly things that guys over 60 do.....that I know for sure, you see, I'm 67.

Enlisting a friendly female bar patron, he opened a savings account where be deposited $15,000 in a savings account and a checking account of $10,000. The man kept $500 out of his checking account, leaving a balance of $9,500. Everything was fine over the week-end,  until he checked his balance on Monday morning and found out he was $3,500 light.

The man quickly notified the police and his bank. Giving a description of the women made me salivate, "a 50ish, brown haired 5'-4" sporting a stocky build, "sounds like my plumber," and only knew her by her first name. Elyria, keep up the good work as one of Ohio's ambassadors of friendly cities.